Month: August 2017

Last night’s episode: We Can Has Base Spawn

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At the beginning of the evening, El Nooberino spent some time at Ministry HQ. He managed to get in a firefight with a group of roving bandits who had a Dingo. He was able to kill all of the bandits and secure the Dingo to sell. When Deadly Monkey signed on, the Noob was at the traders and needed a ride home. Monkey fetched the Ifrit from the garage and went to pick him up. Unfortunately, upon arrival at the Airfield, it soon became evident that all was not well with the server. Our heroes signed off and tried to sign back on, but no Dice (pun intended). Fortunately, the Se7en Gaming crew was on the job and the server was back up in short order.

After that little issue was cleared up, the Dynamic Duo went to the main Office, and upgraded the Ministry HQ from a level 2 territory to a level 4 territory. At level 4 you can respawn at your base, but periodically teams of AI will parachute in to attack your territory. This would later prove an important point. They then decided to go collect some construction supplies that were being guarded by a group of soldiers off to the northeast. They took fire from random directions for much of their drive in, which was worrisome. However, they established a good sniping position on a hill about 800m from the enemy camp, and went to work. The Noob took out the driver of a Humvee with his first shot, and then the gunner followed him in short order. Meanwhile, Monkey eliminated the crews of three of the four static gun emplacements. While Monkey picked off a few soldiers who were trying to close in, Nooberino covered the main enemy base. Unfortunately, he stood up at an inopportune moment and a bullet intersected with his head.

Fortunately, Monkey was able to use the magic defibrillator that repairs bullet wounds, and the Noob was back in the fight. While all of that was going down, a nearby friendly took out several enemy who were getting a little too close for comfort, and then volunteered to eliminate the last gun crew as well. With that taken care of, our lovable idiots moved in for the loot. After everything was loaded up, they took the long sloooow drive (Humvees have issues tying to tow Ural trucks) back to the Airfield.

Just as they finished up selling the loot, Hecuva signed on for the evening as well. Three Ministers at once! Would the enemy stand a chance?

Of course they would.

After picking up Hecuva, who was picking (and winning) his own fight with a group of soldiers near a military base, the three Ministers returned to HQ. They decided to go after a group of bandits guarding some more construction supplies. After arrival on site, night fell, which proved unfortunate for those without NV compatible scopes. They were able to pick of many of the enemy, but then it was time for a server restart.

After the restart, the Ministers returned to HQ with the intent of setting out on another mission. However, these plans were soon brought to a halt by the arrival of a roving gang of bandits, who were driving an SUV equipped with a minigun. This quickly had the expected results of dead Monkey and dead Hecuva. Since the HQ was now a level 4 base, Hecuva quickly respawned while Monkey waited for a revive from El Nooberino. Nooberino was able to hit the enemy with several grenades, which disabled the SUV. He then revived Monkey, and they picked off the remaining bandits. Hecuva made a beeline for the SUV, and when it was repaired, he quickly adopted it as his very own (temporary) ride.

More teams of bandits appeared on scene in quick order – one group in a Golf, which was rapidly turned to swiss cheese by Hecuva’s minigun, then another group in a HEMMT transporter, which Noob took back to the airbase to sell after it was quickly disabled by Hecuva’s minigun and it’s crew had been hit by repeated grenade rounds. While the Noob was off playing used car dealer, Hecuva and Monkey engaged another group with a Humvee. Noob and Hecuva took the Humvee off to sell it, and when they were gone, Ministry HQ experienced its first paratrooper attack.

Monkey attempted to shoot the paratroopers while they were on their way down, but frankly he’s not that good a shot. All five enemy made it to the ground. Fortunately, Hecuva and the Noob had returned in the armed SUV, and the three teammates made quick work of the paratroopers.

After that battle, the Monkey needed some rest, so he prepared to sign off for the evening. The last thing that he heard was Nooberino and Hecuva discussing that they had sighted some bandits with a Hunter MRAP…

In this episode: Our heroes become Masons (not that kind). And die a lot.

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In the aftermath of the siege at MoA HQ, El Nooberino and Deadly Monkey had some conversations about the architecture of the HQ building itself. These discussions centered around how it would be good to make the building more defensible, and in particular how it would be nice to have it made from something where you didn’t need to worry about getting shot through the walls and floors. In this game, that means one thing: concrete.

Monkey had some free time yesterday afternoon, so he took a look around the HQ building and drew up a supplies list. Fortunately, the Ministry had been storing construction materials for a while, and in their supply chest they had a fair amount of bags of cement. In order to put up concrete perimeter walls on the first level, however, Monkey realized that he was going to need junk metal. A lot of junk metal. He threw some of the cement bags, along with water and fuel canisters, into the Ifrit and headed out.

At the trader, Monkey purchased some bags of sand and as much junk metal as he could cram into the Ifrit. He took all of this over to the apartment complex where he used to rent a room, because the owner had promised use of that most rare commodity: a cement mixer. Monkey spent the next several hours making repeated runs to his old apartment to use the mixer, and then back to HQ to drop off the results, back to the traders for more supplies, and so on. At the end, though, the Ministry HQ building had a first floor with concrete exterior walls. Result!

Once El Nooberino signed on later that evening, the two decided to run some missions. First up was the elimination of some gunrunners who had been spotted northwest of the main airfield. This was accomplished in relatively short order and with little drama. This worried our heroes.

While they were disposing of the spoils of the first mission, they spotted some grave robbers to the northeast of their usual haunts. There was a server restart coming up, but our intrepid duo like a challenge, so they headed in that direction. They began by setting up a sniper position on what the Noob had christened Hill Asshat. Unfortunately, Hill Asshat was nearly 2km from the enemy, so while they could put rounds in the general vicinity, server lag was preventing them from actually hitting anything. As a result, they relocated to a new position. Bypassing Hill Beavis, they decamped to Hill Cartman. Hill Cartman was about 850 meters from the targets, which is perfect sniping range for Monkey’s MAR-10 .338 Lapua Magnum rifle. They set up their new position and went to work. Monkey was putting point fire on the enemy while Nooberino was laying down suppression with a series of light machineguns, which provided amusing side commentary. “Bangbangbangbangbangbang….. nope, that one sucks.” “Bangbangbang…. dammit, that one sucks too.” “Bangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbang… Oh, this one’s pretty good.” Weapons testing is hard work. They eliminated most of the enemy quickly, being under time constraints. One pesky soldier managed to advance to within 400m of the Minsters, but a lucky snap shot from Monkey put him down as well. The heroes absconded with the crate of launchers and the covered Ural truck just in time for the server restart.

Upon return to ministry HQ, it was time for some relaxation on the rooftop deck. For the Ministers, this meant more weapons testing! Nooberino had managed to get his hands on a .408 caliber M320 sniper rifle which was liberated from the grave robbers. Various sheep, buildings, trees, rocks, and other innocent inanimate objects soon had large holes punched in them, all the way out to 1.8km away from HQ. During this testing, a group of bandits in an armored Dingo (the vehicle, not the baby-eating wild dog) spotted our heroes and soon HQ was under siege yet again. Unfortunately, these bandits were much better shots than the previous group had been, and they were making use of the heavy machinegun mounted on the dingo. The Ministers had to make good use of their defibrillators and the supply of Instadocs that they had laid in for just such an occasion. Finally, Monkey was able to put a grenade launcher HE round on the Dingo, which disabled it by destroying the tires, and the remaining crew bailed out. Nooberino took several of them out with his own grenades, and then the two picked off the remaining bandits one by one.

Monkey, who had an early morning coming up, signed off and left Nooberino to collect the spoils – including the Dingo, which is worth 60,000 tabs just by itself. Given the proximity of the HQ building to a bandit route and the frequency of bandit patrols, this suggests a new money making opportunity for the Ministry. First, however, some more concrete work is in order…

Tonight’s Episode: Deadly Monkey and El Nooberino Get Killed Even More!

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On tonight’s episode of “The Adventures of the Ministry of Arguments,” entitled “Deadly Monkey and El Nooberino Get Killed Even More,” our heroes got killed even more, to the point where it is likely a record number of times. But fear not! All is not darkness (though the light at the end of the tunnel thing is bullshit).

When the two would-be commandos signed on, they decided to run a mission. There was an “orange bandit group” that had been sighted north of the main airfield, and it was up to our heroes to put the threat to rest. Lacking vehicles with any armament, they loaded up into the unarmed Strider and headed out to vanquish evil. They found a hill which was about 1.2km from the bandits and set up sniper positions. Unfortunately, they couldn’t see shit at that range. Fortunately, they figured two things out. 1) when you increase the draw distance in the game, suddenly you CAN see things at over a km away, and 2) you can place waypoints on the map that appear in-game, which makes finding mission locations MUCH easier. They sighted the group of bandits – a bunch of guys in white shirts and ties who were hanging out near a BMW SUV in a field. Obviously, that spells trouble, so once ranging was established, they proceeded to send in some sniper fire. Lots of sniper fire. Like a whole lot of sniper fire. Let’s just say that our two deadeye shooters might need some practice hitting things over a km away. Eventually, they eliminated the enemy group and moved in for the loot. They were surprised to find that the group of men in white shirts and ties had apparently been US Marshals. Well, good riddance anyways. Our heroes loaded up the loot (mostly AK47s and silenced 1911 pistols, because apparently that’s what Marshals all carry) and headed back to the trader to cash in.
After returning to base for a server restart, the real mayhem of the evening began. Since the dynamic duo were the first to sign back on to the server, they were the lucky recipient of several wandering patrols of AI. Our heroes were outside the base preparing to load in to the Strider to go out on a mission when the first patrol showed up in an armed vehicle and stated shooting. Fortunately, the Ministers were able to run for the base and get inside and then store the Strider in the virtual garage to protect it. The enemy deployed from their vehicle and surrounded the building, and Ministry of
Arguments HQ was officially under siege.

The first task for the Ministers was to figure out exactly where the enemy was. Unfortunately, this process involved getting shot and dying multiple times. Fortunately, Ministry HQ had a supply of defibrillators, so the two were able to revive each other. Repeatedly. Eventually they were able to pick off one or two of the attackers. Deadly Monkey decided he wanted to play with a grenade launcher, and he was able to kill another attacker with an HE grenade. All of this action was punctuated with multiple deaths, revives, and retrieving equipment, including the defibrillators, which had a habit of clipping through the floors and sticking to the ceiling of the room beneath where they were used. The real problem in all of this was the armored vehicle with a top mounted machinegun that kept circling the base and shooting at our heroes. Wooden walls do not stop high caliber rounds from heavy guns, so this became a real problem. In the grand tradition of solving problems with the application of force, Deadly Monkey decided to solve this one with a rocket launcher. Unfortunately, he also learned a lesson about firing an antitank rocket while standing in a small enclosed space. Since El Nooberino was killed by an AI sniper just as the Monkey pulled the trigger on the launcher, neither of them could revive the other.

After a respawn, they headed to the airfield and geared up. Monkey headed directly back to MoA HQ, and after a quick recon of the area, decided that the AI had left in the meantime, and headed in. Unfortunately, he was wrong, and started taking fire almost immediately. He sprinted to the backdoor while bullets impacted all around him, but made it inside. Fortunately, El Nooberino had been more cautious and circled around and took up a position in a sniper tower several hundred meters away. Monkey armed himself with a grenade launcher, and while Nooberino put down suppressive fire, Monkey hit the armored vehicle with several HE grenades. This had the effect of destroying all of the tires, which made all the occupants bail out. Between Nooberino’s sniping and Monkey’s firing from the windows, they finally killed all of the attackers.

They were able to repair several vehicles, including the armored car, and loot lots of corpses. The armored vehicle, (a “Dingo”) ended up being worth 60,000 tabs at the traders, so their efforts were well rewarded in the end.

Tonight’s Episode: Deadly Monkey and El Nooberino Get Killed A Lot

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On this episode of “The Adventures of the Ministry of Arguments,” entitled “Deadly Monkey and El Nooberino Get Killed A Lot,” (a double episode!) our heroes got killed a lot.
Deadly Monkey woke up early in the evening and decided to be useful. He headed to the SE part of the island, where he took an awfully long time liberating a Hunter from the squad of enemy soldiers who were guarding it. It took a while because these enemy soldiers were apparently expert foxhole diggers who kept disappearing into the ground. To be able to hit the last two, he actually had to drive up to them and hose them down from just a few feet away with his light machinegun. Then he realized that he was literally starving to death, so he booked it to the nearest trader, sold the Hunter, and had a snack. Then he realized that there was a cache of building supplies just to the south, so he went to retrieve that. The 3 enemy soldiers there were apparently too big a challenge and he was killed, but after retrieving his corpse he was able to kill them and take the building supplies back to MoA HQ.
When he got there, El Nooberino showed up. The two of them decided that it would be a good night for a mission. They headed out, but soon came across an abandoned Offroad truck just sitting in the road. El Nooberino hopped in and they pulled a U turn to go back to the trader to sell it. Unfortunately, they met a heavily armed band of bandits driving an Ifrit with a heavy machinegun on the roof. Monkey escaped in his armored Ifrit, but El Nooberino was swiss cheese in the unarmored truck. Fortunately, Monkey had a defibrillator in the Ifrit, so he was able to revive Nooberino (because defibrillators fix giant bullet holes!), and they got the truck sold.
Then the two intrepid heroes decided to go after a large cache of construction supplies and weapons to the north, even though it was guarded by no less than 18 enemy soldiers. Sure, it would be a challenge, but (perhaps after too many energy drinks and cans of Mountain Dupe) the two decided they were up to it. This lead to an important lesson of the night, which is this: 18 enemy soldiers standing around in a field can be made mincemeat with sniper rifles from a kilometer away relatively easily. 18 enemy soldiers who have holed up inside some buildings at the end of what was basically a box canyon are goddamn near impossible to kill, but we’ll get to that shortly.
The two heroes moved into position on what they christened Hill Butthead on their topo map. They opened fire, and were able to kill the gunner in a Humvee and four gunners in .50 cal emplacments before Monkey got overconfident and took a 7.62 round right between the eyes. Nooberino was able to revive him with the defibrillator, and the fight continued. Our favorite bumblers then decided to relocate to Hill Beavis, slightly to the SE. They were able to kill several more enemy from there, but the remainder had learned their lesson and weren’t moving around or presenting good targets. One of them managed to take out El Nooberino, but once again the defibrillator proved invaluable. It was so invaluable, in fact, that Monkey decided to just leave it sitting on the ground. They relocated once again, to Hill Butters, which was to the north. In the grandest tradition, they couldn’t see shit from there, so they re-relocated, this time back to Hill Butthead.
Monkey decided it would be a good idea to go back to *exactly* the same spot where he had died previously, because the enemy would never expect someone to be that stupid. Well, the enemy expected it. Monkey died yet again, and since he had cleverly left the defibrillator on a faraway hill in the last paragraph, there wasn’t shit that Nooberino could do about it. Nooberino held their ground while Monkey HALO jumped into a nearby town, found a quad bike, and made his way back. After retrieving his gear, they relocated to another nearby hill, which by this point they had given up on naming. They were able to take out several more of the enemy, and each of them died…. well, a few times. We’ll just leave it at that.
Eventually, the siege of the enemy compound stretched into the evening, and with nightfall, some of the other, uh, more experienced citizens of the island took pity on our heroes and offered to help. Several armored vehicles showed up, along with a Little Bird chopper, which was sporting miniguns and rocket pods. The sight of minigun tracers from the chopper and the two tanks zipping across the valley and bouncing high into the night sky warmed the hearts of the two Ministers of Arguments. Finally it was down to one enemy, and he was nowhere to be found. This lead to a Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooooy Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenkins style attack on the compound, during which one of our allies, who ran into the place literally naked except for his rifle, found the last enemy cowering inside a building and killed him.
Our beloved idiots retrieved a Humvee, a Ural truck, a crate of supplies and weapons, and looted many corpses. They returned to the airfield trader and made the most of their bounty. During the battle, Deadly Monkey had also learned that he had won the lottery. One of the server admins announced this, and when Monkey asked what he had won, another player responded “an Axe!” which Monkey mistakenly read as having come from the Admin. He was pleased, but a bit disappointed in such a meager prize. In reality, Monkey had won: A Strider with a heavy machinegun, just like the one that he had lost to a rocket with Nooberino and their buddy Cliff Worley several days before. Hooray! Monkey and the Noob took their vehicles and supplies back to MoA HQ, and called it a night.
Our heroes will return in the next episode, in which they will try reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllly hard not to get killed quite as much.