On tonight’s episode of “The Adventures of the Ministry of Arguments,” entitled “Deadly Monkey and El Nooberino Get Killed Even More,” our heroes got killed even more, to the point where it is likely a record number of times. But fear not! All is not darkness (though the light at the end of the tunnel thing is bullshit).

When the two would-be commandos signed on, they decided to run a mission. There was an “orange bandit group” that had been sighted north of the main airfield, and it was up to our heroes to put the threat to rest. Lacking vehicles with any armament, they loaded up into the unarmed Strider and headed out to vanquish evil. They found a hill which was about 1.2km from the bandits and set up sniper positions. Unfortunately, they couldn’t see shit at that range. Fortunately, they figured two things out. 1) when you increase the draw distance in the game, suddenly you CAN see things at over a km away, and 2) you can place waypoints on the map that appear in-game, which makes finding mission locations MUCH easier. They sighted the group of bandits – a bunch of guys in white shirts and ties who were hanging out near a BMW SUV in a field. Obviously, that spells trouble, so once ranging was established, they proceeded to send in some sniper fire. Lots of sniper fire. Like a whole lot of sniper fire. Let’s just say that our two deadeye shooters might need some practice hitting things over a km away. Eventually, they eliminated the enemy group and moved in for the loot. They were surprised to find that the group of men in white shirts and ties had apparently been US Marshals. Well, good riddance anyways. Our heroes loaded up the loot (mostly AK47s and silenced 1911 pistols, because apparently that’s what Marshals all carry) and headed back to the trader to cash in.
After returning to base for a server restart, the real mayhem of the evening began. Since the dynamic duo were the first to sign back on to the server, they were the lucky recipient of several wandering patrols of AI. Our heroes were outside the base preparing to load in to the Strider to go out on a mission when the first patrol showed up in an armed vehicle and stated shooting. Fortunately, the Ministers were able to run for the base and get inside and then store the Strider in the virtual garage to protect it. The enemy deployed from their vehicle and surrounded the building, and Ministry of
Arguments HQ was officially under siege.

The first task for the Ministers was to figure out exactly where the enemy was. Unfortunately, this process involved getting shot and dying multiple times. Fortunately, Ministry HQ had a supply of defibrillators, so the two were able to revive each other. Repeatedly. Eventually they were able to pick off one or two of the attackers. Deadly Monkey decided he wanted to play with a grenade launcher, and he was able to kill another attacker with an HE grenade. All of this action was punctuated with multiple deaths, revives, and retrieving equipment, including the defibrillators, which had a habit of clipping through the floors and sticking to the ceiling of the room beneath where they were used. The real problem in all of this was the armored vehicle with a top mounted machinegun that kept circling the base and shooting at our heroes. Wooden walls do not stop high caliber rounds from heavy guns, so this became a real problem. In the grand tradition of solving problems with the application of force, Deadly Monkey decided to solve this one with a rocket launcher. Unfortunately, he also learned a lesson about firing an antitank rocket while standing in a small enclosed space. Since El Nooberino was killed by an AI sniper just as the Monkey pulled the trigger on the launcher, neither of them could revive the other.

After a respawn, they headed to the airfield and geared up. Monkey headed directly back to MoA HQ, and after a quick recon of the area, decided that the AI had left in the meantime, and headed in. Unfortunately, he was wrong, and started taking fire almost immediately. He sprinted to the backdoor while bullets impacted all around him, but made it inside. Fortunately, El Nooberino had been more cautious and circled around and took up a position in a sniper tower several hundred meters away. Monkey armed himself with a grenade launcher, and while Nooberino put down suppressive fire, Monkey hit the armored vehicle with several HE grenades. This had the effect of destroying all of the tires, which made all the occupants bail out. Between Nooberino’s sniping and Monkey’s firing from the windows, they finally killed all of the attackers.

They were able to repair several vehicles, including the armored car, and loot lots of corpses. The armored vehicle, (a “Dingo”) ended up being worth 60,000 tabs at the traders, so their efforts were well rewarded in the end.